Tragedy: A Milestone Along the Way

One of the sites I visit on a daily basis is The Animal Rescue Site. I click on a button and the sponsors provide 0.6 bowls of food for rescued animals. What does this have to do with what am I here for? Nothing, really, other than the satisfaction it gives me.

It's the accompanying site that holds the key. Actually there are five other sites you can click on and it will provide some form of help to the organization in question. A Hunger Site click will provide 1.1 cups of food to the hungry; a click on the Child Health Site provides lifesaving health care for a child; clicking on the Literacy Site button will provide a book for a needy child to read and treasure; a Rain Forest Site click will help preserve 11.4 square feet of rain forest habitat for wildlife. I do my clicks daily because it makes me feel good to be helping in such an easy way. They even send me a reminder post every day to do my clicks.

But these sites aren't the ones that have held me enthralled from day one. Not all the sites have little stories, although the Animal Rescue Site has heartwarming stories of rescued animals. However, the last site I need to mention, the Breast Cancer Site, where one click provides a free mammogram for one woman, has amazing stories. No, I'm not talking about the miracle of healing, or even the tremendous flowing of hope; I'm talking about attitude. There are three things that nearly all these women talk about:

1. The help and loving support of their families and friends and/or medical staff.

2. The hope they have had that has sustained them in their battle against this dread disease.

3. The acknowledgement that this fight against breast cancer has given them a new lease on life; that they now more fully appreciate each moment they have been given in life; that they are filled with a new joy they never had before. Many view this journey, not as a trip away from cancer, but one towards something new and fresh and exhilarating.

Items 1 and 2 are pretty standard. I don't say this dismissively, since they are part of the backbone of victory. But it's the third item that blew me away. That a tragedy of this dimension can be turned from bitterness and defeat into something so transforming is, in my eyes, astounding. That nearly all the women talk about it is something of a miracle.

So I wondered why these women came to that conclusion. I couldn't interview any of them because they give single names and no addresses on their posts. But the whole concept intrigued me. I thought about my own tragedies; like everyone else on planet earth, I have had my fair share. I decided not to think about the death of a loved one, since that is in a separate category all its own (which we will deal with in another blog). My last three tragedies inevitably resulted from being blindsided, something I hadn't expected. That is what made them hit so hard.

The last major one was being told by my previous husband, seemingly out of the blue, that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Once I had recovered my equilibrium--and my breath--I asked him why. He told me he wanted a younger wife (I was considerably older than him) and a picket fence. Although I believed at the time there had been no sign of this coming, looking back there had been changes in his habits--going out with the boys more, staying out all night on occasion. But he had protested up to the end that he was happy and still loved me more than anything in the world, except himself.

This was in March, and I sank into total misery for ten months. I couldn't get a handle on what I would do with the rest of my life. My plans all involved him. I took it all in and couldn't seem to let it out, until I became violently ill with pneumonia. By Christmas Day, I was so sick the only thing I could keep down was chicken soup. He had promised to stay with me until I was financially able to look after myself. It looked like that would happen at the start of the New Year, and he moved out New Year's Day. I was too sick to care.

The realization slowly dawned on me in the ensuing weeks that I was in this on my own. Sure, friends and family members could offer condolences, but no one could heal me but myself. I'm not talking about healing pneumonia...I'm talking about anger and hurt and resentment and disappointment and all those other things that can hold you hostage when tragedy strikes.

To take charge of my life, I began planning a future without him in it. Honestly, I was tired of suffering. The only things I could keep down for weeks were soup and Chinese food. I lost lots of weight, mostly by accident, and started taking an interest in people (my biggest interest in life) again.

In October, I had met a man online at the place I worked, a gaming news site, where I was the news editor. He was a volunteer researcher there, and we got along and worked together so well, that by February I realized it was more than just a friendship. I hadn't been expecting anything, wasn't looking for anything. After the hurt dealt to me by my husband, I wasn't in any hurry to get devastated again. Yet, by April, we were declaring our love for each other. We met in person for the first time in July, found the love to be totally overwhelming, and were married a year later.

This man has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, treating me like a queen and giving me everything in the way of encouragement, love, support and respect that I had been missing in my life for a long time.

Obviously my tragedy had led to something wonderful in my life. That sounds tritely dramatic. The key is not the tragedy, not even the end result of the tragedy, but what led to turning "the Tragedy" into a triumph.

It was change of attitude. I determined to take charge of my life; I refused to play the victim; and I decided not to nurture the poisons in my system of anger, desire for revenge, self-pity, and did I mention anger? After being so sick, it made me realize that I had to do it for myself. No one was going to come in and save me. It was all up to me. And I had to do it in a way that kept my self-respect. I opened the door for a triumph to take place.

Here's a little exercise in determining some of your strengths. Think of a recent tragedy of your own that turned into a triumph. Lay out the steps as I did, one by one, right up to the triumphant ending. What was the turning point? What did you do to make your tragedy a miracle? When you have it all written out (yes, write it out...it makes a bigger impact that way), read it over a number of times. Each time you do, say to yourself, I did this for myself. I am truly worth my time and effort. Did you know that is the number one cornerstone of knowing what you are here for...knowing your true worth. You can't have one without the other.

Introduction: What Is This Journey We Are On?

Is there anyone on this planet who has never scratched his head and wondered what the heck he was doing here? One of the major questions throughout the ages has been exactly that. Why are we here? Every time someone comes up with what they think is the answer, someone else comes up with what they think is the better answer. Then there is a war...a bit oversimplified, but basically that seems to be the pattern. The problem with this is that people are trying to tell other people what they are here for. No one can do that because they are not in your shoes.

However, being creatures of free choice (and that, in itself, is a whole other blog), we can select whose ideas we want to follow. We do this because of our programming, our past experience, our parents' or our peers' beliefs, necessity. How often do we do it because we truly want or need to?

Let's try this...sit down in a quiet place, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times to relax yourself, and visualize, or feel, or remember the last five activities you have engaged in. Don't worry if they are the "right" ones or not. Don't worry if something is not necessarily an activity. Just jot down the first five events that come to your mind. List them in order as you recall them on a piece of paper. Leave a little space between each one.

Now, take the first one on the list. Close your eyes again and recall the activity, remember the taste, the smell, the tactile sensations you may have had, the way the place looked. Most importantly, recall how you felt about that activity--were you happy, impatient, indifferent, excited, couldn't wait to do more of it, disgusted? Mark down your reaction to the event.

Then, for that same first one, mark down whether the activity was for personal, business, recreational or social reasons. Also mark down whether it was voluntary or if you were somehow commanded/coerced/pleaded into doing it. Was it for yourself or someone else? What percentage of your day was the activity taking?

Do that for the remaining four activities. Then organize the list into positive responses and not-so-positive responses. Which ones stand out in each category. Circle them. These can be important discoveries in your quest for the answer to what am I here for? For instance, here are my answers:

1. Set up this blog and started typing post. Business, exciting & fun, room was messy though and it would have been more comfortable for me if room was tidier. The project is for me, and so far it has taken up about 35% of my day.

2. Spoke to my three dogs and played with them briefly. Personal, fun. Same room though as in #1. The project was for both me and my dogs, voluntary, although they did ask for a little play time, and it usually takes up 5% of my day.

3. Read the forum at my website and answered a couple of posts made by members. Business & personal, interesting & engaging. Voluntary, mostly for me, some for the other people, takes possibly up to 15% of my day.

4. Made lunch for me and the dogs, then tidied up the kitchen. Personal, enjoyable. Kitchen looked neat and clean when I finished. Voluntary, although it's an self-imposed obligation to feed my dogs. If I am to enjoy them, they must be fed. Feeding myself and them generally takes about 15% of my day. I thought at the time I cleaned up the kitchen that I wished my office looked that way. Made mental note to tidy office today.

5. Answered phone for hubby's business and talked to customer briefly. Business. My main reaction was annoyance that the customer would phone on a holiday (civic holiday in Canada). Not a huge deal though. The activity was for someone else, although it is a self-imposed obligation. If my husband's business prospers, it benefits me too. Maybe I can get that new computer I have my eye on :P

So four out of five activities, including my current activity, were positive and evenly split between business and personal. I learned that my messy office bothers me more than I realized. I also confirmed that I am more or less doing what I want to be doing in life.

And here is the kicker. If you are happy more often than not, you are probably doing what you are here for. If you are forcing yourself or are unhappy or too tired all the time or under pressure, chances are you are not doing what you are here for.

As for the fifth one, it was my fault. Since it was a holiday, I should not have answered the phone. I would have saved myself those few moments that I will never regain. I don't mind answering the phone during business hours. It's a small thing to do to assist my husband's business and it's not that much of an interruption. Next time, I will be aware of my hesitation and not answer the phone. If it is someone I want to talk to, I can always call them back from call display or the answering machine.

So now, what did you learn about yourself from this little exercise? Anything useful? It doesn't have to be a life-changing epiphany. Small things can sometimes be more telling than large ones.

In this blog we will explore ways and find information and take steps to take more charge of our lives by being aware of what it is we are here for; what we want to do; where to draw the line between wants, needs, and obligations. Thanks for reading my first post. I hope you enjoyed it.